Those readers who came of age in the late 1980s and early 1990s may remember a period when every single song in the charts seemed to be a cover of a hit from the 1950s or 1960s. There you’d be, listening to the Sunday afternoon chart countdown while crimping your hair, and one of your parents would pop their head around the door.
“What are you listening to? That was a hit when I was your age.” Then they’d make a comment about how clearly everyone had finally realised there was no good music anymore, and leave you to tie up your newly crimped hair with a fluorescent-green scrunchie.
Well, pop lovers, DJ Rishi is on the decks, taking over the chart countdown from DJ Boris, parliament’s very own hairy cornflake. And, this week, we’re grooving to the latest poptastic hits from the Department for Education.
In at number five, we have the heartfelt ballad Ladder of Opportunity. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself humming the chorus: this tune has charted before. Singer-songwriter Robert Halfon was skills minister for a year under Theresa May, before becoming chair of the education select committee, a position he’s held since 2017.
With a talent for metaphors that had him cast as the DfE’s Bob Dylan, he’s spent his career in education calling for a ladder of opportunity for all children, regardless of background. And now he’s back again as skills minister at the DfE, so expect plenty more airtime for his best-known hit.
At number four, we have R-ea-d-i-ng. You know this one – though he’s dropped out of the charts over the last year, its singer, Nick Gibb, has been lurking in the top 10 since 2014. And now he’s charting again, straight in as minister for school standards.
R-ea-d-i-ng, his best-known hit, is a power ballad about the effectiveness of synthetic phonics, which can still bring a tear to many a teacher’s eye. Though he’s rumoured to be recording a new album, don’t expect any avant-garde experimentation: he’s likely to stick to the highly traditional formula we hear in R-ea-d-i-ng.
At number three, we have something a bit different. The first notes of British Baccalaureate suggest that it’s going to be a cover of Nick Gibb’s old hit, English Baccalaureate. But, in fact, it’s not so much a cover version as a dance remix.
The EBacc itself, you will recall, borrowed heavily from other songwriters: it was essentially a mash-up of five GCSEs, and schools were judged on how well their pupils danced to all five tunes.
The British Baccalaureate, meanwhile, is a remix by our very own DJ Rishi. Blithely overlooking the fact that there is no British education system (big shout out to all our listeners north of the border), DJ Rishi’s remix is an anthemic call for all pupils to study a wider range of subjects – including compulsory English and Maths – after the age of 16.
Fans of the clubbing scene may wonder why everyone on the dance floor starts waving giant inflatable silver bullets in the air whenever DJ Rishi’s hit plays. It’s all thanks to a comment made to The Times by a Downing Street source this week. The source said that DJ Rishi believed that, if there were “one silver bullet in public policy” that would improve lives, it was likely to be investment in education and skills.
Which brings us to this week’s number two. You’ve heard it before, but fans are playing it louder than ever before: Show Us the Money, by education supergroup the National Association of Headteachers.
Political songwriting is experiencing a bit of a comeback, and many heads are channelling their inner Joan Baez as they step up to the mic. Show Us the Money is the hardhitting tale of one headteacher – representing, as the chorus makes clear, nine out of 10 schools in England – as she realises that increased energy and salary bills mean that her school will have run out of money by next year. In a quiet coda at the end, the song also reveals that 50 percent of headteachers say that their schools will be in deficit this academic year.
Though an old hit, Show Us the Money has been re-released to coincide with Jeremy Hunt’s autumn budget, now due on 17 November. Despite all the silver bullets being waved on club dance floors across the country, it is anticipated that all departments – including education – will be expected to make cuts.
Which brings us to this week’s number one. The chart-topping band The Education Secretaries have had some troubled times of late, with a fast-turnaround succession of lead singers. The latest, Gillian Keegan, is the fifth singer to front the band in the last four months, and the sixth in just over a year.
Eagle-eyed chart-watchers will know that there is nothing new under the pop sun, however. Keegan – who left school at 16 to become an apprentice – previously recorded under the band name Junior Minister for Apprenticeship and Skills.
While her immediate predecessor, Kit Malthouse, released a thrash-metal love song to grammar schools, Keegan has gone straight to number one with her debut ballad, Do You Have the Skills?
And that’s it, pop fans. But, before we go, here’s a brand new release – so new it hasn’t even charted yet – to play for your parents when they tell you (not unjustifiably, as we’ve seen) that there’s nothing new on the pop scene any more.
Likely to be Unlawful is an uptempo dance hit, recounting the story of Ruby Williams, a schoolgirl repeatedly sent home from school because she wore her hair in an afro. The earworm chorus tells us that the Equality and Human Rights Commission has said that banning certain hairstyles without allowing for exceptions on racial or religious grounds is – altogether now – “likely to be unlawful”. It’s a joyful song of liberation – and one they certainly weren’t singing when your parents were young.
And that’s it for this week, pop fans. Stay groovy.
Click here to read Adi Bloom’s This Week In Education column every week.
